Again: Chapter 5

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Chapter 5

Minneapolis, 2000

I fell hard and fast for Edward Cullen.

One date turned into another, which opened the door to a full-blown
relationship. We spent our days in class and our nights together. I'd hang out in
the studio while he worked on his paintings, and he'd quiz me on 17th and 18th
century European artists. My friends loved him as much as I did, and our time
together passed by in a blur.

We were halfway through our sophomore year when Edward met Jessica
Stanley and Jacob Black. They were both seniors in the art program, and the
first to welcome him to an upper level class he'd been accepted to. He
introduced me to them at a party, and, at first glance, they seemed like good
people. If I had known then how the things would play out, I would have done
everything in my power to keep Edward as far away from those two as possible.

When sophomore year came to a close, I found myself with no choice but to
return to my, barely-a-dot-on-the-map, hometown, Granada. Edward was lucky
enough to have the option to stay in the cities with his cousin Eric. So, we bid
one another farewell and I headed south, putting 150 miles and a little over two
hours between us.

I came back to the cities as much as I could, which wasn't very often since I had
to share an old, rickety pickup truck with my sister Angela. Edward and I talked
almost every day, though, and despite the distance I felt just as connected to
him as ever.

When the beginning of August rolled around, I begged my mom to let me go up
to Minneapolis for a long weekend. I hadn't seen Edward for almost a month
and was starting to go stir crazy. She reluctantly agreed, and I loaded up the
old Ford and headed for my home away from home.

The minute I got to Eric's house, I knew something was off. Edward had black
sheets pinned over his bedroom windows, making the room dark despite the
fact that it was a perfect sunny day. His paints, which he always kept neatly
organized in a toolbox, were scattered all over the room. Brushes lined the
windowsill, paint hardening the bristles and rendering them useless. An
unnerving feeling settled in my stomach, but I tried to brush it off. Edward was
busy after all, working part time and doing a summer program. The scene
before me was probably the result of an overflowing plate.

"You're here!" Edward swooped up behind me, arms circling my waist and lips
peppering kisses across the back of my neck. I leaned back against him and
closed my eyes. The warmth of his body comforted me, and the unease I felt
moments earlier melted away.

"I am," I whispered. We stayed like that for a few minutes, my head on his
chest and his chin in my hair, simply enjoying the feel of one another. When he
finally let me go and spun me around, I gasped. Edward's eyes, normally bright
and intense, were dull and bloodshot, the skin beneath them shadowed with a
nasty purple hue. His hair was greasy and stuck out in fifteen different
directions. The front of his shirt was covered with dried up smears of paint and
it looked like he hadn't shaved in at least two weeks. Under normal
circumstances, his disheveled appearance might have been sexy, but coupled
with the condition of his room, something about it felt off. Wrong. It was like
someone had taken my Edward and replaced him with the unfamiliar version
standing before me.

"Are you okay?" I asked, cupping his cheek with my hand and running my
thumb along his bearded jaw. He closed his eyes and sniffled a few times,
leaning into my touch.

"I will be now that you're back."

"What's going on here?" I leaned away and jerked my chin in the direction of his
bed. He blew out a loud breath and wound his arms around my waist once
more, pulling me against him and resting his chin on the top of my head.

"Things have been chaotic," he explained. I buried my face in his chest and
inhaled. The smell of stale cigarettes greeted me and I cringed. Edward didn't
smoke … or at least, he hadn't at the start of the summer. "This program I'm in
is really intense and I'm under a lot of pressure." His voice was low and gravely.

I leaned back and looked up at his face again. He met my gaze for a second
before looking away, focusing his eyes on something on the other side of the
room.

"Have you been smoking?"

He laughed and moved away from me, turning around and running a hand
through his hair. "Yeah, yeah I have. No use trying to hide it."

I wanted to say something more, but had no idea what to even start with. The
air between us grew uncomfortable and a heavy ache settled in my chest. I
moved to sit on the edge of the bed, but a small mirror on the top of the
nightstand caught my eye. I stepped closer and realization washed over me.

"What the hell is this?" I grabbed the mirror and the straw that sat on top of it,
shoving them in Edward's face. His eyes grew wide and he tried to grab the
objects from me, but I moved my hand out of his way. I reached for the
nightstand once more, my fingers closing around a small baggie of white
powder.

"Bella …" His voice trailed off and he rubbed his hands over his face. "I know
what this looks like, but I promise you, I can explain."

"This looks pretty fucking bad, Edward. That's what this looks like." I glanced
down at the baggie as bile rose in my throat. Edward was pacing the room,
looking at the bed, the wall, out the window … at anything but me.

"It's not an issue, Bella. Honestly." He bit his lip and peeled off the hoodie he
wore, tossing it on the bed. "The only way I'm going to get to stay in the
advanced courses is if I produce some really amazing shit for the final project in
this program. Everything is due in a week, and I just … I needed an extra kick.
Something to help me stay awake and make the most of out all 24 hours in the
day."

"So you dive right into cocaine, Edward? Seriously? Where did you even get this
from?"

"Jessica knows someone—"

"Jessica? Jessica is your drug dealer now?" I threw my hands up in the air,
dropping everything I was holding. "I thought you were above this kind of shit,
Edward. You have so much talent when your head is in a clear place. You don't
need this shit to create amazing things! "

"I'm not relying on the blow to create anything for me, Bella. I just … I needed a
pick me up, okay? It's a one-time thing. You don't need to freak the fuck out
like this."

"I love you, you asshole. Of course I'm going to freak the fuck out!" I dropped
down on his bed, elbows propped up on my knees and head held in my hands.
"So what? You're going to snort shit for the rest of the summer and stop when
you get the grade you're looking for? This isn't the same as when we get
together with the girls and smoke a joint or two. This is the real deal, Edward.
You're not going to be able to just put it down and walk away."

The bed dipped as he sank down next to me. He leaned into me, resting his
head on my shoulder and sighing. "I'm sorry. I know this is a shitty spot for me
to put you in. And a horrible thing for me to do."

I rested my head on top of his and blew out my own sigh. "I wish you'd have
said something to me if you felt like this was your last resort."

"You couldn't have done anything to help me, Bella. I shouldn't have put myself
in a program like this when I knew I wouldn't have time to do all the work it
required." We sat like that, leaning on one another in silence, for who knows
how long before I finally mustered up the courage to ask the question I needed
to.

"So what now? " I asked.

"What do you mean?"

"What are you going to do?"

He sat up and I looked over at him. He looked so tired, so defeated. My heart
broke for him in spite of the anger I felt.

"I'm done." He stood abruptly, grabbing the bag of coke and the mirror and
making a beeline for the bathroom. I got up and followed, watching on as he
emptied the contents of the bag into the toilet and flushed the drugs down. The
mirror went into the trash, followed by the straw.

"I'm done," he repeated. I stepped forward and wound my arms around his
waist, pulling him to me in a crushing embrace.

Those two words were enough to give me hope that Edward—and our
relationship—would be okay.

.

.

.

Minneapolis, 2001

After our fight, Edward promised me he was finished with the coke. In addition
to flushing the drugs down the toilet and throwing out the paraphernalia, he
looked into some counseling options through the university. He was bummed
when he didn't get into the next set of advanced level classes, but it wasn't the
end of the world. School started up again and we fell back into our routine. It
was easy for me to forgive and forget because my Edward was back again, and
it felt like the episode in August had never happened.

Seven months passed and spring break rolled around. When Rose turned 21,
her dad surprised her with a girls-only spring break trip, so she, Kate, and I
headed off to Punta Cana for seven days, six nights of tropical bliss. Edward was
originally going to road trip to Florida with a few guys from one of his classes,
but their plans fell through at the last minute, leaving him stuck in the snow.

I never wanted to become the girl who couldn't go a week without talking to her
boyfriend. I never thought of myself as the type to spend time pining over a guy
when I could be enjoying the palm trees, the ocean, and rum. After about four
days away from Edward, I became that girl, however. I missed him. All the little
things I loved about him played on a loop in my mind. His smile, the tiny moles
at the nape of his neck, the way his eyes crinkled when he laughed. I even
missed having his clothes strewn all over the room.

That was when I made a decision: I wanted to live with Edward. And I wanted it
to happen as soon as we could possibly make it.

I decided I was going to tell Edward about my newfound desire the night we got
back. He was planning on picking me up from the airport and taking me out to
dinner, and that seemed like the perfect time and place to make such a big
declaration. Unfortunately, our flight got delayed, which left me riding with Rose
and Kate back to the place we shared.

I tried calling Edward twice when we landed, but his phone went straight to
voicemail. Another call in the cab home brought the same result, so I decided to
do what any love-crazed, über-excited girl would—drop off my luggage and pay
him a surprise visit.

The first thing I noticed when I got to Edward's place was the noise. Loud rock
music filtered through the door, and I wondered how he'd managed to not get
the cops called on him. The door was unlocked so I pushed it open and stepped
inside. I was greeted by a gust of cold air that carried the smell of cigarettes
and stale alcohol. I reached behind me and closed the door softly, then covered
my nose with my hand.

"Edward?" I called out, poking my head in the kitchen. Dirty dishes overflowed
from the sink onto the countertop next to it. A stack of pizza boxes sat next to
the trash, which was overflowing with empty beer cans. Oooookay, maybe he
decided to have a spring break party. I rounded the corner to the living room
and stopped dead in my tracks. Edward was crouched down in front of a huge
canvas, paintbrush in one hand and Jack Daniels bottle in the other. He was
buck-naked, with paint streaks covering his otherwise pale skin, and his hair
had been shaved close to his head. I watched as he jumped up, running the
brush across the canvas so quickly I could barely keep up with what he was
doing. A manic cackle left his lips just as he turned to face me. My heart sank
when I took in his bloodshot eyes and the familiar mirror by his foot.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Spit flew with his words and I instinctively
took two steps back. A violent chill ran up my spine and I crossed my arms over
my chest protectively. I wanted to answer him, but the words wouldn't come.
He stared at me, pupils dilated, eyes wide and wild, for a few moments before
bringing the bottle of Jack to his lips and taking a large swig.

I blinked, wincing as the hot tears in my eyes began to descend down my
cheeks. Edward set the bottle down on the floor and turned back to the canvas,
dipping his brush in a puddle of black paint and splattering it everywhere. His
movements were jerky and every few seconds he'd mutter something under his
breath or let out another manic laugh. I stood and watched until disgust and
anger replaced the sadness and shock coursing through my veins.

I didn't care if we lived together anymore. I didn't care if I ever saw him again. I
just needed to get away from him.

"I'm leaving," I muttered, my voice barley more than a whisper. He glanced
over his shoulder at me before sidestepping to the stereo and turning up the
music.

"I never asked you to come in the first place." His words were like a knife, sharp
and cold, slicing my chest open and carving out my heart. I turned and ran out
of the apartment, through the hallway, and into the cold, dark street.

I ran until I was blocks away from Edward. I ran until I couldn't take the wind
biting at my cheeks or the burning in my lungs. I ran until I had nowhere left to
run. Then, I sat down on the curb, in the middle of a street I had no idea the
name of, and let my tears fall freely.

"Bella?"

I leaned against the door and closed my eyes. The wood bumped against my
back as his fist met it in another series of knocks.

"Bella? I know you're there. I can hear you breathing."

"What do you want?" I croaked.

"I thought we were getting brunch this morning. You know, since we couldn't
get dinner last night?"

I let out an angry laugh. "You can't be serious right now, Edward."

"Why do you sound so pissed off?" That was the last straw. I spun around and
whipped the door open, sending Edward falling forward onto his face in our
foyer. He rolled over on his back and looked up at me, eyes flashing. "What the
fuck, Bella?"

"How much blow did you shove up your nose before you left the house this
morning?" He furrowed his brows and opened his mouth to retort, but I kept
going, letting all the anger I felt fly from my lips freely. "I can't fucking believe
you! I can't believe you'd come here and act like everything was fine, like
nothing happened last night."

"Last night? I didn't even see you last night, Bella. Your flight was delayed!" He
pushed himself up into a sitting position and frowned. "Which is why I'm here
now. Because we agreed to get brunch—which you don't seem to remember."

"I'm not going anywhere with you!" A door creaked open behind me and my
neighbor stepped out into the hall.

"Everything okay out here?"

I threw him an apologetic smile. "We're fine, Mr. Banner. Sorry for the noise." I
stepped around Edward and into my own apartment. He stood and closed the
door behind him, following me to my room.

"What is going on, Bella?"

"You tell me, Edward." I crossed the room, stopping in front of the window. The
sun was in the middle of a battle with the clouds and a few rays had broken
through, casting a goldenrod glow over the street. I watched as a group of
people walked by, all smiles and laughter and happy faces. I could feel Edward
standing behind me, but I didn't make any effort to move. I couldn't bring
myself to look at him. "I came by your house last night—which you don't seem
to remember."

"You … what?"

"I stopped over last night after we got back. To surprise you." I finally turned,
wrapping my arms tightly around myself. Edward looked like he wanted to
vomit.

"I don't even—"

"Just cut the bullshit already, Edward! I was there! I saw the drugs. I saw the
booze. And you made it perfectly clear that you didn't want me around."

"Bella, I …" his words drifted off as he ran his hand over his head, fingers
searching for messy hair that was no longer there. He twined his fingers behind
his head and paced back and forth across the room. "I don't know what to say. I
don't remember you being there."

"You can't lie your way out of this, Edward!" I took a seat on the edge of my
bed, kicking my toes against the wooden floor. "When did you start using
again?"

"Bella, I'm not lyi—"

"When did you start using again?"

He sighed. "Jake gave me some right after you left for your trip. It was a
consolation thing, for the road trip falling through and all that shit." He sat on
the opposite end of the bed and fidgeted with his hands. "It felt rude to turn it
down—"

"Rude? Are you fucking kidding me?" I jumped up again, standing in front of
him and putting my hands on my hips. "It's a DRUG, Edward. An illegal fucking
substance that has the potential to fuck up your entire world! It's not like he
was giving you an ugly sweater or a pair of socks. It's COCAINE, Edward. I just
… I can't believe you. And then you have the nerve to show up here and lie to
me, after you all but told me to get the fuck out of your place last night?"

"Please, just let me explain." He flopped back on my bed and rubbed his hands
over his eyes. "I honestly don't remember, Bella. The last thing I remember was
doing a few lines with Jessica and then going down to Sally's. I don't even know
how I got home."

The tears were back, forming behind my eyes once more. I sank to my knees
and tucked my chin to my chest. "I can't do this, Edward."

"Can't do what?" he asked in a thick voice.

"Stand by and watch you go down this path. It's not fair to either of us." I
looked up at him, traitorous tears falling down my cheeks. "You promised me
this wasn't going to happen again. It was a one and done thing, a stupid
mistake you made last summer. Not something that you'd start again in the
spring, as soon as I was out of sight and out of mind."

"It's not something I started again, Bella. It's a casual thing … Dammit! If I like
it once in a while and can control it, what's the problem?"

"Control it? Edward, you got so fucked up you blacked out. You were acting like
a crazy person. And you were rude as fuck to me. I don't think that constitutes
control."

He was silent, holding my gaze until his own tears started to fall. He dropped to
his knees in front of me, picking my hands up and giving them a squeeze.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. I'm so fucking sorry." He leaned forward, until his head
rested against my chest. "I don't even know how to explain myself. I want it,
but I don't want it. I like the boost, feeling like I'm ten feet tall and bullet proof,
but I hate the crash after. I want the carefree feeling but I don't want to hurt
you. Or lose you. My god, Bella, I can't fucking lose you …"

His words melted away, replaced by gut-wrenching sobs. I ran my fingers down
his neck and over his back. I didn't want to comfort him. I wanted to make him
leave, to send him home, alone and broken, just like I'd felt the night before. I
wanted to put space between us, to make him see that we couldn't carry on like
this and come out in one piece.

As mad as I was, as betrayed as I felt, I couldn't let him go. Edward needed me.
If anyone could help him, could convince him to right his wrongs and fix his
mistakes, I was the one. In the two and a half years we'd been together, we'd
become best friends, closer to each other than we were to anyone else in our
lives.

I had to get Edward away from Jess and Jacob. I had to help him get to a place
where his head was clear and on straight. I had to get him away from the drugs
and into a place where he could find inspiration in healthy ways.

I had to help him.

Even if it was the last thing I ever did.