Again: Chapter 6

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Chapter 6

Minneapolis, 2001

Spring break changed a lot of things—our relationship being one of them.

Edward tried to right things, but his efforts were short lived. After a few weeks
clean he went to a party, indulged in his drug of choice, and just like that, all his
progress went out the window. He was honest about his choices this time, but
that didn't make it hurt any less. What followed was our usual post-cocaine
binge exchange: I told him I wanted to end our relationship, he had a
breakdown and told me he couldn't live without me, couldn't get better without
me, and in the end we stayed together. I had myself convinced that I was the
only one who could save him … even though, I knew somewhere deep down
inside, that wasn't true. Edward had to save himself, a fact I wouldn't come to
terms with until it was too late.

Our relationship changed a lot after what happened. There was a wedge driven
between us, and that wedge went by the name Cocaine. We were still together,
but we weren't us anymore. Edward would use and I would work my ass off to
try and get him to stop. He'd spend the weekend high out of his mind and I'd
spend the following week trying to lure him away from the road he was
embarking down. I'd take him to galleries, hole up in his studio with him, drag
him around with my friends … anything I could to keep him away from the
people who had introduced him to every horrible thing he was doing. Sometimes
it worked, and I'd catch glimpses of the Edward I originally fell in love with. But
it always ended the same, with him going off with Jessica and Jake while I
worried like crazy.

Everyone in my life told me to leave him. Rose, Kate, my mom … all the people
who loved me wanted me to get away from him and get a fresh start. Even
though Edward never physically hurt me, his actions did, and that's what those
around us could see. I knew I needed to end things, but I just couldn't bring
myself to do it. I loved him—so much so that it hurt my heart.

I couldn't give up on someone I loved. Not without a fight.

The months passed, we became seniors, and miraculously managed to make it
through our first semester. Winter break arrived and Edward and I spent every
minute together … which kept him away from the drugs. Or at least he was kind
enough to keep the drugs away from me. Christmas was inching closer, as was
my birthday, and Edward had something up his sleeve in honor of both
occasions.

"Keep your eyes closed."

"You know how much I hate surprises, right?"

"Yeah, but it's your birthday. Surprises are mandatory. "

"You know how much I hate my birthday, right?"

Edward laughed behind me. "Sometimes I don't know about you." We came to a
stop and I reached for the blindfold covering my eyes. "Oh no you don't."
Edward pushed my hand back down next to my side. I sighed dramatically, but
it was only for show. Inside, a swarm of butterflies were buzzing around my
stomach, which was currently tied in knots. I listened carefully, hearing the
unmistakable sound of a key slipping into a lock. A moment later, he guided me
forward until I felt warmth all over my face.

"Surprise!" Edward slid the blindfold off and I blinked open my eyes. The wall in
front of me was covered in floor to ceiling windows, which gave me a perfect
view of the Mississippi River and the Stone Arch Bridge. Sunlight streamed in,
reflecting off the snow covered trees like a glittery blanket. I spun around,
taking in the space around me. The floors were hardwood, appliances stainless
steel, and one wall of the room was brick.

"What is this?"

"Our loft." Edward's eyes danced with excitement.

"How? I mean, what do you mean 'our loft'?"

"I leased it," he explained, moving about the space excitedly. "Eric's friend is
the building owner. He gave me a good deal for the first year."

I looked around again, taking note of the loft area above the kitchen. The longer
I looked at the space, the more I fell in love with it. Despite that fact warning
bells were going off left and right inside my head.

"I love this space, but … Are you sure it's a good idea for us to live together?"

Hurt flashed over Edward's features. He crossed the room in three swift strikes,
taking my hands in his and giving them a squeeze. "Of course it's a good idea.
We've been together for almost three years. I'm sure we'll end up getting a
place after graduation anyhow. Why not just do it a few months earlier?"

"I …" My words fell away and I looked back at the amazing view behind me. I
didn't want to hurt Edward, but I didn't want to put things too lightly either.
Finding a balance in my words proved more difficult than I imagined. "It's been
a rocky year. There's always something going on between us. I'm just not sure
if living together is the best option, given everything we've been through."

Edward shoved his hands in his pockets and rocked back on his heels. My eyes
roamed over him, and for the first time, I realized just how skinny he'd gotten.
"I've put you through hell and back. I know this. And I'm sorry for that. So
fucking sorry, Bella." He looked at me, eyes clear and sincerity blanketing his
features. "I know I've said this before, and maybe my words mean nothing now,
but … things will be different, Bella. I'll be different. I'll be with you, every night.
I'll come home to you, Bella. Jake and Jessica won't be allowed over here. This'll
be our own personal hideaway. A space where we can just be us. Edward and
Bella. Not Bella and the drug addict."

I looked back out the window and then surveyed the loft once more. The place
was nice. And maybe if I were with Edward all the time he wouldn't have the
urge to use as much. And if he could just curb the urge to use, then he could
kick the habit completely.

That was my train of thought when I said my next words. "Let's do it."

Edward's face lit up. "Are you serious?" I nodded and he grabbed my waist and
picked me up, spinning me around and whooping. I laughed, despite the
feelings of unease that had taken up space in my chest. He set me on the
ground, dipping his head and pressing his warm lips against mine. My hands
instinctively went to his hair, tangling in it as I tried to tug him closer to me. I
lost myself in him, loving the way his hands felt as the tugged on my hair and
pulled my head back. He dropped warm, wet kisses down my neck, stopping to
nibble on the soft skin below my collarbone.

"When is this place ours?" My words came out sounding more like a breathy
moan than a coherent thought.

"I told you baby, I already signed the lease." He slid his fingers up under the
hem of my shirt, stopping when they reached the edge of my bra. "It's already
ours."

There, in the middle of an empty loft in the light of day, Edward and I
christened our new place.

Twice.

.

.

.

Minneapolis, 2002

Living with Edward was … well, it was incredible, at least at the start.

We decked our place out with all kinds of weird pieces of art we found. I hung
up my favorite pieces of Edward's work, too, despite his protest, and pretty
soon the bare-bones loft became our cozy little home.

We spent days on our own, him in the studio and me engrossed in my major
project, but we always tried to be home at night for dinner, which we usually
cooked together. We couldn't afford cable so we relied on old VHS tapes and our
music collections to keep us entertained. Best of all, Jake and Jessica were
nowhere to be found. It seemed like Edward had finally found stable ground to
plant himself on, and as the months went by, much of the weight lifted from my
shoulders replaced by an overwhelming sense of relief.

Then April happened.

We were just a few short weeks away from the end of the semester and our
graduation. Part of my major project involved holding an art show of some sort,
somewhere in the city. I'd spent the first half of the semester in a state of panic,
with no clue what I was going to do or show. My favorite professor Mrs. Cope
flew in at the last minute and saved my ass. She respected me, as a student
and a person, and just so happened to be connected with the owner of a small,
eccentric gallery in Northeast Minneapolis. Her friend offered to let me use the
space for two nights. With one half of my problem solved, I just needed to
figure out what artwork I'd show.

"Show mine," Edward said, mouth full of Cheerios.

I set the plate I was washing down in the sink and turned to face him. "What?"

"Show mine," he repeated, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "I mean,
I'm not some big name local artist or anything, but I have enough pieces to
display."

"You'd let me display them?"

"Hell yeah!" He stood and brought his dishes to the sink. "I can't think of
anyone I'd rather let display them."

"You realize you just saved my ass?"

He tucked some stray hairs behind my ear and leaned in, lips grazing the edge
of my ear. "I plan on doing more to that ass when I get home."

My skin flushed and a huge smile spread across my face. "I love you so much."

"I love you too." He pressed a kiss on my forehead and grabbed his keys. "We'll
talk more tonight, iron out the details. I need to run or I'll be late getting to the
studio."

Edward's offer put me on cloud nine for the rest of the week. I made
arrangements with the gallery owner, got lots of advice from Mrs. Cope, and,
before I knew it, the day of the show had arrived.

I was supposed to meet Edward at the gallery at eleven to set everything up,
but low and behold, my beat-up old Nissan wouldn't start. I called him, hoping
to catch a ride after he left the studio, but his phone went straight to voicemail.
I knew he was busy so I didn't think twice about it. I caught a bus and headed
in the direction of the gallery. I tried to call Edward a few more times, just to let
him know I probably wouldn't arrive until closer to noon, but his message
continued to kick in right away.

It was 12:15 when I finally made it. I had hoped to find Edward waiting for me,
but he was nowhere in sight.

"I'm so sorry I'm late." I rushed inside, placing my things against the wall where
I'd been instructed.

"It's no problem at all." Laurent stuck his hand out and shook mine.

"Is Edward here?" I looked around the attractive man, but saw nothing other
than an empty gallery.

"Nope. I haven't seen him. I thought he would be with you?"

I frowned, tugging my phone out of my pocket once more. My heart sped up
and my palms started to sweat when Edward's phone went straight to voicemail
again.

"He must have gotten held up. How much time do we have to finish this?"

Laurent looked at his watch. "I need to leave here by 1:30. Do you have any
idea where he is?"

I shook my head and looked out the gallery window. My lungs felt like they'd
been punched out and replaced with a gaping hole. "I'll keep trying him. I'm so
sorry about this, Laurent. I though he'd be here by now."

"Let me know when he arrives. I'll be in my office." When I met Laurent's gaze,
I was surprised to see sympathy as opposed to anger.

I gripped my phone tightly as I paced back and forth across the gallery floor.
The minute it started to vibrate, I flipped it open without even looking to see
who it was.

"Where the hell are you?" I hissed.

"Um, leaving the biology building. Where the hell are you?" Disappointment
flooded my veins when I heard Rose's voice on the other end of the line.

"I'm sorry, Ro. Edward was supposed to meet me almost two hours ago and he
hasn't shown up yet."

"For the gallery thing?"

I nodded, and then remembered she couldn't see me. "Yep."

"Did you try calling him?"

"His phone goes straight to voicemail."

There was a long pause before my best friend finally spoke. "I swear Bella, if he
fucks you over tonight—"

"He's not going to fuck me over," I said, needing to hear the words more for my
own benefit than for Rose's. "He wouldn't do that."

"His track record says otherwise."

"Please, Rose, I can't do this right now."

"You're my best friend, Bell. I love you like a sister. And that means I'll give you
tough love—even when you don't want it."

I looked down at my hands and bit my lip. The hardest part about bringing
problems like this to my friends was being confronted with the truth. Because
when it came to Edward, the truth always seemed to hurt.

"I love you like a sister, too."

"I'm sorry, Bell. You don't deserve this." Commotion filled the background and
Rose spoke again a minute later. "I have to go. Kate and I will be there tonight,
okay? We're still on for dinner and drinks after the showing, right?"

"Of course." We said our goodbyes and hung up just as Laurent emerged from
his office.

"No sign of him yet?" I shook my head. "I'm sorry Bella, but I have a meeting I
need to go to. I can be back here at five. It won't leave you with much time to
set things up, but at least the showing can still go on."

"I appreciate that." I collected my things and left, completely forgetting my lack
of transportation.

Two busses later I was back at the loft, expecting to find my boyfriend. Instead,
an empty house greeted me.

"You better have a damn good excuse for this, Edward-fucking-Cullen," I
muttered under my breath. I threw my things down on the kitchen counter and
dialed Eric's number. When he had no idea where Edward was, I moved down
the list, calling his aunt and uncle, the few friends I knew from the art program,
and finally, when I could get no answers, calling Jessica.

"Yeah? Hello?" So much for a friendly greeting.

"Hey, Jessica, it's Bella Swan. Edward's girlfriend."

"Yeah?" This time, her voice sounded icy and hardened.

"Is Edward with you?"

"No."

"Do you have any idea where he is?"

"No."

"You haven't seen him at all?" I prodded.

Jessica let out a combination groan and sigh. "No, Bella, I don't know where
your fucking boyfriend is. You're his keeper, right? The one who thinks she
needs to have tabs on him at all times."

"I don't need to have tabs on him at all times—"

"You should really tell him that then, because that's the picture he painted to
me. And to Jake." Jessica sniffled twice. "Do you need anything else? I can think
of at least ten things I'd rather do than be forced to converse with you."

"Can you have Edward call me if you see him? Please?"

"Whatever." I pulled the phone away from my ear and was about to hang up
when I heard Jessica shout. "Bella?"

"Yeah?"

"Edward has one love in his life. One thing that takes his breath away, lights up
his world, and makes waking up every day worth it. One thing, Bella. And that
one thing—well, you should know that it's not you."

The line went dead at the same time the last bit of fire in my heart burnt out.

"Bella?" The voice sounded close but somehow far away at the same time. I
rolled over, burying my face in the pillow and attempting to pull the covers over
my head. Except there were no covers, and I was on the floor of the loft, not in
my bed.

"Bella? Sweetie, wake up." I blinked my eyes until Kate's face came into focus.
Rose stood next to her, anger etched into every one of her pretty features.

"What are you two doing here?"

"Your showing, Bella. We went to your showing and Laurent said you never set
anything up." I sat up straight at Kate's mention of my showing.

"Shit! We have to get over to the gallery!" I looked around, searched for my
phone and flipped it open as soon as I found it. I had ten missed calls, but, to
my dismay, none of them were from Edward.

"Where's Edward?" Rose finally spoke.

I dialed his number for what must have been the hundredth time that day,
anger surging through me when it went straight to his voicemail—again.

"I don't know." My body shook as a sob tore through me. I hunched forward,
arms clutching my stomach and tears pouring down my face. "What am I going
to do? I can't graduate if I don't do this showing. I'm completely fucked."

"Mrs. Cope called your phone while you were asleep. She wants to meet with
you tomorrow." Kate paused, looking down at her hands. "You should tell her
everything, Bella. Maybe if she knew the situation, she could help fix things."

I shook my head and squeezed my eyes shut. Pain radiated from my forehead
out to my temples and I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. I gasped,
trying to take a breath, but I just couldn't. Sweat beaded my forehead and icy
chills ran through me.

"I think she's having a panic attack," Rose said, dropping to her knees in front
of me. She slid her arms around me, holding me as I shook. "Breathe, Bell.
Take nice, deep breaths. Focus on getting them in and out, nice and slowly."

I inhaled anger and exhaled pain. Tears streamed down my face and I clung to
my best friend, like I was drowning and she was the only thing that could save
me.

"Everything's going to be okay, Bell. I promise you, everything will be okay."

It took two hours for me to calm down enough to pack my clothes in a bag and
head over to the girls' apartment. I couldn't stay in the loft. I was angry, but
above all else, I was devastated. Once again, Edward had torn my heart straight
out of my chest, squeezed it until it barely beat anymore, tossed it around, and
eventually discarded it.

Edward never turned his phone back on that night.

By the end of that week, I still hadn't heard from him, and when I stopped by to
get some things, I could tell he hadn't been to the loft.

So, on Sunday morning, I packed the rest of my belongings and loaded them
into the back of my mom's Suburban, dropped my key off with Eric, and made
the decision to let go of Edward Cullen.

I had no more pieces of my heart to give away. He'd taken them all, chopped
them into a line, and snorted them up his nose along with the powder that had
taken over his life.

I couldn't fix my boyfriend. I couldn't make him better. I couldn't save him.

But, I could save myself.

And that was what I needed to do.

A week and a half after the showing that never happened, Edward finally
resurfaced. He called me as soon as he realized I was gone. I ignored every one
of his attempts to make contact. For the first time in a long time, I had nothing
left to say.

Our schedules were different, so I had an easy time avoiding him, and Rose
made it more than clear that he was not welcome at the apartment, under any
circumstances. I followed Kate's advice and told Mrs. Cope everything. She was
understanding, just as my friend thought she would be, and helped me set up
another showing with a different one of the senior art students. I managed to
pull things together and everything went perfectly the second time around. I
would graduate, on time and as planned, and that was enough of a silver lining
to make the dark tunnel my life had become a bit more bearable.

I was leaving Mrs. Cope's office, a week before graduation, when Edward finally
found me.

"Bella …" I looked up and saw him, leaning against the wall across from her
office. My heart felt heavy as I took in his appearance. He was thin—so
thin—and the bags beneath his eyes were back, darkened by days of not
sleeping. I swallowed hard and heaved my bag up farther on my shoulder. My
brain was screaming at me to run, but my feet were firmly planted in place.

"What do you want?"

"Can we go somewhere and talk? Please?" He took several cautious steps
toward me, stopping when he saw the look on my face.

"I have nothing to say to you."

"Look, I know disappearing like that was a shitty thing to do, I just—"

"A shitty thing to? It was a little more than a shitty thing," I shouted. Several
students at the end of the hall turned to face us. I grabbed the front of Edward's
shirt and pulled him into an open office and out of sight. "Forgetting my
birthday would be a shitty thing. Locking me out of the loft would be a shitty
thing. Going on a weeklong bender, abandoning me for the art show, practically
ruining my chances to graduate … that's a really fucked up and selfish thing.
But, I'm not surprised. Fucked up and selfish are just the tip of the iceberg
when it comes to you."

"Bella, please—"

"Stop, Edward. Just stop." I took a deep breath and tipped my head back,
closing my eyes and counting to three. I had to stay strong. He could apologize,
but I wouldn't accept it. When I mustered up all the courage I could, I opened
my eyes and said what I needed to. "Your apologies mean nothing to me
anymore. I've heard the same song and dance from you one too many times.
You need to get your shit together and I can't be around while you do that.
You're toxic, Edward, and as much as I love you, I love myself more. I should
have done this months ago. We're done."

"So that's it?" His eyes flash, and for a very brief moment I was reminded of the
man who gave me the best kiss of my life one New Years Eve night, three and a
half years earlier. That memory vanished as quickly as it came, because that
man was gone. He's been gone for a while. I was stupid to believe if I looked
hard enough, I could bring him back.

"I don't even get a chance to explain?" He gave me the puppy dog look, the one
that had always won me over in the past. I felt my resolve start to crumble, but
I stood my ground and held on to what little strength I had left.

"You don't need to explain, Edward. It's the same shit on a different day. I've
given you chance after chance after chance, and yet here we are again. So I'm
done. And nothing you say, no explanation you offer up, will change that."

I hoisted my bag up again and stepped around him, moving down the hall
toward the doors. He grabbed my hand, turning me to face him. I jerked my
fingers away, afraid that if I felt his touch any longer I'd give in to him.

"I can't do this alone, Bella. I need you."

I swallowed the urge to take him in my arms and comfort him, spitting out the
words he needed to hear instead. "You haven't needed me since the first time
you snorted that shit up your nose."

He didn't grab me when I turned away this time. The sob that escaped him
echoed off the halls, and that was enough to unlock the floodgates I'd worked
so hard to hold in. The tears blurred my vision and I swiped at them furiously.

As much as I loved him, a big piece of me hated Edward. But, I hated the
cocaine more.

Twenty minutes later, I was in my car alone and officially free from Edward
Cullen.